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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 06/30/2005
Dealing With the World

When you havent been able to have a baby, everyday interactions can be painful. Family members and friends, while trying to help, can say the wrong thing. Social situations can become awkward. Too often daily reminders of your childlessness confront you wherever you turn: <ul><li>At a dinner party you meet a couple who have a two-year-old.</li> <li>They start talking about having a second baby and ask you if you have any kids. <li>Your sister-in-law tells you that your miscarriage is 'for the best.' And your co-worker says, "Don't worry. You're young. You can have another." <li>You receive an invitation to a friend's baby shower. You want to go to be a good friend, but just can't/don't feel up to it. <li>When a good friend complains to you about her morning sickness with her third pregnancy, you are so envious you want to scream.</ul> Babies and pregnant women may seem to bombard you. Turning on the TV and seeing ads for diapers, watching a stroller brigade march down the street, or finding out a colleague is pregnant may make you feel even more like the perennial odd woman or man out. <i>Here are some suggestions about how to handle "dealing with the world."</i> <b>Stinging Remarks</b> The well-intentioned-but-invasive questions from family and friends can knock you for a loop, especially if you are caught off-guard. It can be helpful to brainstorm some answers ahead of time so you are not taken by surprise. Answers to the "Do you have any kids?" question can include: "Not yet" or "Soon" or "We're working on it." These brief responses are to the point and end the conversation. The so-called helpful advice others offer, such as "Just relax" or "If you stop worrying about it, you'll get pregnant right away," is grossly insensitive and implies that your reproductive problems are all in you head. When you hear comments like these, remember that you do not have to respond right away, if at all. Focus on the person's conscious wish to be kind " most likely they feel awkward and don't know what to say." Although these comments may make you want to lash out in anger, taking a deep breath and counting to five can buy you some time to choose what to say." Letting people know "I'd prefer not to talk about that" gets the message across loud and clear. If you have a definite diagnosis, you may wish to share it; for example, you could explain how blocked tubes prevents conception from happening naturally, so there's nothing to relax about. Educating the advice giver, both about your condition and about how hurtful their "help" feels are possible responses. Likewise, a comment like, "All you need to do is adopt, then watch, you'll get pregnant" undermines all your struggles. You can respond by saying, "Did you ever think how many couples adopt and then don't get pregnant?" When people are made aware of how their well-meaning advice actually hurts, they usually understand. <b>The Baby Shower and Other Dreaded Social Situations</b> Probably the most painful social situation for people struggling to have a family is the baby shower. What might have been fun in the past now may feel like a horrible obligation. At one moment you may really feel like going, but with the next breath you may want to shutter all the windows and never go out again." This is normal; every person who has had a reproductive trauma feels this way at some time or another. What's important to remember is that there is no right or wrong way to handle social functions; it's your choice whether to attend or not." Give yourself permission not to attend everything you are invited to - especially baby showers, children's birthday parties, or holiday events focused on family and children. You can always say, "I'm sorry, we'd love to, but we've already made other plans." If you do say yes, but at the last minute change your mind, it's okay to cancel. If you feel it is appropriate, you can let your host know what is going on. Otherwise, you can say you're not feeling well - which is really the truth. If you do attend a party, it helps if you and your partner arrange ahead of time how to signal the other if one of you needs to leave. You may want to arrive late and/or leave early to limit the pain you may feel. If you find yourself overwhelmed, it's absolutely okay to excuse yourself and leave. Again a simple "I'm not feeling well" is an easy way out. <b>Dealing with Friends</b> "<i>My best friend just announced she's pregnant." She knows what I've been going through and was very thoughtful in talking to me." I'm so happy for her, but I also feel like I don't want to be part of her life anymore.</i>" Barbara It's all too easy to become isolated from your friends when you're struggling with reproductive trauma. It's difficult because you want to be happy for them, but you realize that instead you feel sad, envious, or even angry about their good news. You want to do the "right" thing with your friend - and congratulate her - yet how do you do the right thing for yourself? In the best of circumstances, friends can be comforting and non-judgmental." Even so, you may not know how to handle the situation if your friend is able to have a family." Your own feelings may get in the way of maintaining the relationship. And some friends may not understand or can"t cope with your pain." It can feel like a betrayal if you confide in someone, only to have your friend change the subject and minimize what you are experiencing. Is it okay to let your friend(s) know how you're feeling? You bet. But if you find that they are not able to respond positively, you may need to limit the relationship until you feel better. Right now, it is more important to take care of yourself, even to the point of temporarily suspending a relationship, than it is to nurture a friendship that brings you mostly pain. It's sad but true that some friendships will dissolve over infertility or perinatal losses." While this is painful, don't berate yourself if you find yourself needing time and space away from a friend who hurts you more than helps. Many friendships can be resumed at a later date. Be assured that you aren"t a bad person for feeling so sensitive. Don"t berate yourself for not being a good friend or for becoming upset at routine questions. These painful and awkward feelings are normal and to be expected for someone going through a reproductive trauma. * Back
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