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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 01/02/2007
Making the Transition from Infertility to Adoption
By by Joni S. Mantell
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<i>What about adoption?</i> Just three little wordswith far-reaching emotional and practical implications. For when an individual or couple finally comes face-to-face with this question, a journey begins. Typically making the emotional decision to adopt is the hardest part. But once that has been surmounted, learning the practical aspects becomes easier.
Whats important for people to realize is that deciding to adopt is generally a multilayered experience and knowing when to begin the process is not clear cut. Also, when considering the options its entirely normal to encounter a mixture of feelings including:
<b>Confusion</b> since adoption previously seemed like a second choice for family building.
<b>Sadness</b> while mourning the loss of a biological child.
<b>Fear</b> of the adoption process or what it might be like as an adoptive family.
<b>Relief </b>that medical treatments and infertility are now a thing of the past
<b>Certainty</b> that there is a very strong wish to be a parent NOW!
<b>Uncertainty</b> that the desire for parenthood is deep enough to pursue adoption.
<b>Excitement</b> at the prospect that this option will work and the dream of parenthood reached.
<b>Panic</b> stemming from the overwhelming amounts of adoption information and the numerous choices of methods, agencies and attorneys.
In other words, adoption stirs up a variety of emotions - some that may personally make sense and others that may seem incomprehensible at the time. It can be an unsettling mix of all or some of the feelings listed above, so its vital people considering adoption arent surprised or disappointed if they lack the same sense of excitement felt when making other big life decisions.
Its okay! Remember that there is grieving involved here. The loss of a biological childone of the biggest disappointments imaginableis a painful experience that needs to be fully absorbed. Like an onion, sometimes one layer has to be peeled away before the next can be seen. And it will take time to process each emotion as its experienced.
Given this reality, shifting focus to the process of adoption is not easy. Adoption requires a new language, a new system and new set of professionals to help accomplish the ultimate goal of becoming an adoptive family. It takes work and emotional energy to learn all the nuances and options. But people do it and move on to form loving families.
So how does one make the shift from infertility to adoption? There are some important steps that will help facilitate a successful transition.
<b>Face the Grief.</b> Without truly having mourned the loss of a biological child it is easy to jump too quickly into anything that will potentially ease the hurt. However, making adoption choices to escape pain tends to skew focus towards speed or encourages fear-based decisions without sufficient thought devoted to the short or long-term implications of these actions. Facing grief instead of running from it is centering and will allow for smarter adoption decisions.
<b>Be clear about the options.</b> Adoption comes with many choices and no decisions should be made without research and consideration. Prospective adoptive parents must think about what is required to pursue each option and the long-term implications involved. If an individual enters this process uncertain or overly emotional there is greater risk of being seduced by the first agency or attorney that offers what seems to be a solution.
<b>Rethink the importance of speed.</b> Agencies or attorneys that push quick adoptions sometimes get less birthparent/child referral information or withhold potentially disturbing, yet important facts. Worse still, they might suggest that money be thrown at a situation when it is unnecessary. Unfortunately, with adoption, if it seems too good to be true, it usually is.
<b>Consider the long term.</b> Remembering the future will help smooth out the process in the present. Prospective adoptive parents should try to shift their focus from the immediate idea of getting a baby as quickly as possible to the long-distance goal of becoming a family for a lifetime.
<b>Get smart.</b> People exploring adoption would do well to absorb and learn everything they can about how the process works and what future issues might arise. Its important for prospective adoptive parents to be surrounded with support and information. Good learning tactics include meeting other adoptive families, attending educational workshops, or joining adoptive parent support groups. Education breeds confidence, gives a sense of control and allows for better decisions.
<b>Make sure its mutual.</b> Its not uncommon for partners to reach the decision to adopt individually thanks to different histories, reactions to the losses of infertility, and associations or experiences with adoption. In fact, couples often disagree initially when discussing family-building options, which can severely stress a marriage or relationship. For that reason, its important not to move forward until both partners have landed on the same page. If one person needs more time adjusting to the idea that should be respected. Keeping communication lines open is vital and oftentimes a counselor can help couples find common ground.
<b>Attend a pre-adoption consultation.</b> A counselor with expertise in adoption can help weed through all the options while taking into account long-term family issues as well as the twists and turns of the adoption journey. Since adoption counselors do not perform actual adoptions they can offer a neutral place for information and a safe zone in which to grieve/explore feelings.
The bottom line is that paying attention to the emotional layers while learning the practical aspects of the adoption process not only allows prospective adoptive parents to make better decisions, it gives them hope. Suddenly the desire for a family is again within reach and though many dont start this exploration excited, the joy and anticipation usually grows when the realization hits that forming a family through adoption is not only a viable but also a beautiful option for family building.
Joni Mantell, LCSW, is Director of the Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center. She has been helping couples make the transition from infertility to adoption since 1993. For more information visit www.iaccenter.com.
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