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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 03/01/2008
Why Children Need to Know Their Biological Roots

How do you build a family? Let me count the ways! With reproductive technology advancing rapidly, couples are faced with a vast array of choices. Whether its using IVF or donor technology, embryo donation or surrogacy, medical technology offers couples opportunities that could not have been imagined even 20 years ago. In the excitement of producing a baby, however, the decision to tell the resulting child of their beginnings may get overlooked. This article discusses the importance of disclosure and offers suggestions on when and how to tell children about the way they were conceived. Why tell a child the details of their conception? Many parents feel that it isnt necessary in fact, they worry that it may be harmful to the child. Some parents fear that their child will be confused about who their real parents are and worry that their child will feel stigmatized. They may be concerned that this knowledge will somehow disrupt the childs happiness or development. On the other hand, parents who think that disclosure is necessary feel it is the childs inherent right to know their roots. They are uncomfortable keeping a family secret, especially as it directly affects the child. Secrets are hard to keep and what is told in confidence invariably gets out. Parents rightfully worry about the harm to the child should he or she inadvertently find out their conception story from another source. The loss of trust can be devastating, especially for older children, as they may wonder what else has been kept a secret from them. Whichever side of the argument parents fall, their motivation tends to be the same: they believe they are acting in the best interest of their child. But what <i>is </i> best for the child? For the answer to this question a look at the literature on adoption can be helpful. We have learned that open adoption and honest communication with the child leads to a more trusting relationship with less confusion and tension within the family. Keeping a family secret is not only hard on the child, but also on the parents, who may feel guilty, deceitful, and fraudulent. Although there is no legislature in the US at present regarding this matter, the Ethics Committee of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) has come out in favor of disclosure to children (ASRM Ethics Committee Report, 2004). The report suggests that it is better to tell children sooner rather than later as it allows the child to absorb the information over time. So how and when do you tell a child about his or her biological roots? There are some who believe that letting a child know from the very start is best; the child will grow up always knowing the circumstances of their birth. Others feel it is best to wait until the child asks the inevitable question: where do babies come from? Either way, parents should be aware that children may have many questions that change over time. Their questions should always be answered in an age appropriate manner. Younger children, for instance, can be told that there is a mommy part and a daddy part and that mommys (or daddys) part didnt work, so we used a part from another mommy (or daddy). There are also many childrens picture books available that specifically address third party reproduction making it easier for both the child to understand and for the parent to have a guide in approaching the subject. It may be difficult to talk about your childs conception because you may feel ashamed about your infertility or pregnancy losses. You may feel that you have failed in achieving one of the most basic of human activities. Your original reproductive story has changed radically and must be grieved. It can be reassuring to know that children are very understanding and accepting you are still and always will be their parent no matter how they came to be. * Back
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