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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 03/01/2009
Creating Rituals to Help Grieve Reproductive Losses

Losing a loved one is a painful process that can take a long time to recover from. Grieving that loss is usually made easier by the rituals and practices of ones culture and/or religion. Although rituals may differ from culture to culture, most involve family and friends coming together to remember and honor the deceased. Eulogies recognize the persons life and accomplishments; telling stories about the deceased recalling good times and bad is a natural way to aid the mourning process. But with reproductive losses or infertility, the memories what few you might have tend to be negative. You may be stunned by a traumatic hospital experience, a medical emergency, or perhaps just a negative pregnancy test. Complicating the grief process, standard rituals for infertility or perinatal loss are virtually nonexistent. Creating your own rituals something meaningful for you and your partner can help you through this difficult time. If you have had a stillbirth or a neonatal death, the hospital staff may suggest that you see and hold your baby. They may also encourage you to take pictures and name your baby. Often the hospital provides a memory box, which along with photographs, may include a lock of your babys hair, handprints and footprints, hand or foot casts, or a hospital name bracelet. You may wish to write a note to your baby, or include a meaningful poem in the box to express your feelings. These tangible remembrances help bring solace; in this way you will always remember your child. You may choose to have a funeral or memorial service for your baby. Not only does this validate your loss, but the ritual itself will serve as a memory. You may visit your babys gravesite, bringing flowers, gifts, and in some cultures, even food. You may also include other rituals, such as planting a bush to bloom each year on the anniversary date, keeping a journal with thoughts you would like to send to your baby, or adding a Christmas ornament to your collection each year in your babys honor. These rituals and symbolic remembrances continue the connection you have with your baby, weaving your experience into the fabric of your familys life. For those who are struggling with infertility or have had an early miscarriage, grieving is even more challenging. These losses, although not less meaningful, are less tangible, and often not acknowledged by society at large. This phenomenon has been defined as <i>disenfranchised grief</i>*, which occurs whenever a loss goes unrecognized. When there is no physical evidence of a baby, you may feel that your grief is not legitimate. Although there are no rules for how miscarriages or infertility should be mourned, no models for you or your close relations to follow, it may be helpful to establish some. For example, you may decide to acknowledge an unwanted menses by having dinner out, not as a celebration, but as a way of staying connected with your partner. Or you may buy each other flowers, light a candle, or simply go on a walk together. Creating these rituals can help you feel more in control; it validates the reality of your loss that is otherwise so intangible. Reproductive losses are extraordinarily painful with intense feelings that seem to last a lifetime. Rituals that have meaningful personal value can help you through the grief. Creating rituals for a pregnancy or baby that never was validates the reality of your loss: it may help you feel less isolated in your grief, and may give you a sense of control by remembering what has passed while holding on to hope for the future. *<i>Doka, Kenneth J. (1989). Disenfranchised grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow. Lexington, MA, England: Lexington Books/D. C. Heath and Com.</i> * Back
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