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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 01/05/2010
Maintaining Hope in the Midst of Despair
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The roller coaster ride is all too familiar: as you chug up the steep hill, you follow your doctors instructions to a T, and you wait for the optimal time of ovulation whether you are trying on your own or undergoing a procedure. You try not to get your hopes up, but how can you not? The excitement and anxiety mounts as you wait again those interminable two weeks for the results of your pregnancy test. If its negative you come crashing down. What you want to do is hide away in despair, but no, the cycle starts all over again. Maybe this next month it will actually work and your hope forges the uphill climb once more. The emotional part of this ride is filled with ups and downs that are so polar opposite of each other that it is truly crazy making.
Over time, as one month follows another, feelings of hope may naturally fade. Women often worry that as their hope vanishes, their chances of becoming pregnant will diminish as well. Some women may even feel responsible that their lack of conception is due to having negative thoughts and feelings. If this were true and all that a woman had to do not to conceive was to have negative thoughts then there would be no need for birth control! It is important to remember that women get pregnant under all sorts of stressful and harsh conditions: during wars, famines, droughts, incest, and rape. Your emotional state will not determine whether you conceive at a particular time or not.
That being said, how <i>do</i> you maintain a sense of hope? How do you get through this grueling process? How do you go on with your life when everything feels as if it is on hold? The following is a list of things to keep in mind as you try to manage this difficult time in your life:
Remember that you are more than your reproductive organs. It can help to take stock of what you <i>do</i> have, rather than only focus on what is missing. Go ahead and make plans, develop other aspects of yourself, try to stay connected to your partner.
Understand that given this crazy roller coaster ride, how else could you possibly feel? Going through infertility and/or a pregnancy loss is traumatic. It is to be expected that your mood will swing with your cycle, especially given the high stakes of wanting a baby so much.
Give yourself permission to have all the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. Trying to push them away takes a great deal of energy. If you can identify your emotions and recognize that they are there for a reason, you can actually begin to cope with them more constructively.
Try not to isolate. Keeping in touch with friends and family is important, especially when you are going through such a tough time.
Try to keep in mind that you are in the middle of your reproductive crisis at this time. It is often difficult, when in the midst of a painful and uncertain time, to believe that it will ever end. This traumatic time will eventually resolve, whether you have a biological child, use donor technology to create your family, adopt, or remain a family of two. It can help to remember that your reproductive story although enormously important is but one chapter of your entire life. 
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