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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 02/13/2006
Keeping Your Relationship Healthy During Infertility
By by Janet Jaffe, Ph.D., Martha Diamond, Ph.D., David Diamond, Ph.D.
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Infertility is not just an individual trauma; it can affect your relationship in profound and confusing ways. The stress on your relationship can leave you feeling alone, like youre not facing this crisis together as partners, as a team. The very person you want to feel closest to may be pulling away and it may not feel as if s/he is on your side as you both struggle through this. Not only do you each have to deal with the trauma individually, you also must contend with how your partner is coping. If you do not understand how each of you responds to stress, you may easily misinterpret your partners behavior, leading to hurt feelings, criticism and defensiveness. In your confusion, you may take your differences in coping and reactions personally, feeling that if my partner really loved me, s/he wouldnt act this way.
I was four days late this month, said Roseanne. My breasts were very swollen and sore and I felt exhausted. I really thought this might be it. Roseanne and her husband, Glenn, were in the midst of an infertility workup and still trying on their own. When her period started, Roseanne turned to Glenn for support. He, understanding of how sad she was once again let her cry, gave her a big hug, then started talking about the lunch meeting he had with his boss that day. Thats when she lost it. He just switched gears on me, she cried. Sometimes I think he doesnt care!
Glenn does care; he just doesnt feel his grief the same way Roseanne does. For Roseanne, the experience is physical she feels the hormonal shifts and mood changes, feels the changes in her body, feels the cramps of a menstrual cycle. Glenns experience is much less immediate; he is physically removed from it. Roseanne wanted to talk and be reassured, which Glenn attempted, but from her perspective it wasnt enough. Yet for Glenn to cope, he needed to move on, because dwelling on it made him feel worse. Roseanne and Glenn, each still hurting inside, hurt each other with their different coping styles.
How Do You Cope?
When you are overwhelmed emotionally, what do you do? Are you a talker or do you process your feelings privately? Do you lash out or internalize anger? Do you work more when youre stressed? Or less? Does exercise help, or would you rather relax in front of the TV? What happens when you feel out of control? Do you become more rigid or more submissive? Do you become more active or do you retreat into passivity? These are questions you and your partner can ask yourselves and each other to help you identify your personal coping styles.
When you find yourself overwhelmed by infertility, take the first step of recognizing your own coping style, then try to identify your partners. Second, you must accept that both of your approaches are reasonable. Learn ways of communicating your needs, and at the same time, listen to your partners not just the verbal conversations, but the non-verbal cues as well. Recognizing how and when to talk with each other, and when to give each other space, is essential in dealing with the ongoing crisis of infertility.
How to Talk and be Heard
Communicating about infertility can be problematic since very often you dont know exactly what you are feeling. How can you express yourself if you dont know what you feel or why you feel it? Your feelings may be so intense that it is hard to put them into words. What helps is to pause in your most emotional moments and think about what you feel, rather than just feel. Words are one of your strongest tools in your effort to maintain intimacy and avoid alienation.
If you are in the midst of an argument, try, as a couple, to take a quick time- out (sufficiently brief that no one withdraws completely) to give each of you time to re-group. Reflecting gives you the choice of whether to express your anger directly to your partner, write it down, or talk to someone other than your partner. Putting an argument on pause gives you time to consider whether it should be pursued.
Loss of Control
So much of infertility feels out of control. Its natural, then, to want to take control wherever else you can. Sometimes the need for control is an attempt to get your needs met by your partner, even at the sacrifice of his or her own needs. Thats when the power struggle so many couples describe during infertility occurs you and your partner both desperately want your own needs met at the same time. During infertility, couples who previously saw themselves as teammates begin to view each other as obstacles, when that person may simply be trying to keep from drowning in his/her own feelings.
Finances and sex, two topics couples contend with under the best of circumstances, can become major issues of control during infertility. Paying for medical interventions often precludes other major purchases, like buying a home, and making these decisions may create enormous tension. And because sex becomes goal-directed, the medical timetables and routines can dampen the very spark needed to create a baby. Having sex on demand is an invasion of sexual intimacy and can create a domino effect of loneliness and isolation by damaging each partners self-esteem and their connection to one another. Sometimes couples dont struggle over the big infertility issues but instead wrangle over smaller stuff, like where to go for dinner or what kitchen chairs to buy. Underlying these conflicts is the strain caused by infertility.
How Can We Possibly Get Through This?
When loss of control is so powerful, as it is with infertility, you may resist finding a middle ground, but learning to negotiate and compromise is essential. Remember that this process is a lengthy one not everything is going to get sorted out right away. If ever there was a time to give each other the benefit of the doubt, now is the time. If you can translate your partners behavior into feelings, and words, you will almost certainly find not a mean, cold, uncaring, overly emotional, demanding, critical spouse, but someone who, like you, is in pain and needs help.
Finally, it is important to remember that you can get through this. Right now you are in the middle of a crisis. Yes, the stresses of infertility challenge the most solid bonds. Yes, your relationship is undergoing a severe test; so are both of you individually. But recognizing and acknowledging this gives you room to gain greater insight into how your infertility trauma is affecting both you and your partner.
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