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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 09/02/2009
When Your Partner is Away: Fertility Treatment, Business Travel and Deployment

Couples undergoing infertility treatment face a myriad of challenges: emotional, physical, interpersonal, social, and financial. Working couples routinely struggle with scheduling medical appointments, getting time off for procedures or surgeries, and coping with grief when things go poorly: How am I supposed to give her a shot at 9 am when I have to be at work at 7? or How can I ask for yet another day off without him thinking Im a slacker? are laments we often hear. Even more difficult are the practical or logistical challenges that beset couples when one member travels frequently, or is in the military and deployed for months at a time. The decision-making process during infertility treatment can be difficult and relies on close communication. It is hard enough when a couple is living together, but if ones partner is at sea, and contact is limited to the occasional email, or, in an emergency, a satellite phone, communication can break down completely. Its hard to be spontaneous or emotional when there is a bad connection, or the flow of the conversation is continually disrupted by static or sound delays. Further, if couples can only communicate occasionally, they may be reluctant to bring up difficult or painful topics, which then sit between them like an elephant in the room. Decisions can get postponed or delayed, adding to the pressure and anxiety. The sense of isolation and loneliness intensifies at such times, and couples can feel even further apart than they are geographically. Once a treatment plan is made, many details must then be coordinatedappointments, shots, the procedure itself, the recuperation, the agonizing wait to see if it worked, and then the joy or disappointment when the answer comes in. In this era of multiple deployments timed close together, it can be extremely difficult to work it all in. One couple we know just had time to complete an IVF cycle while the husband was in port. Right after the procedure, he shipped out again. The wife recuperated alone, waited for the results alone, and was alone when she found out she was still not pregnant. They were both devastated, and her husband felt isolated and helpless to comfort her from halfway across the world. Conversely, another couple who similarly squeezed in a procedure during leave, were apart when the happy news of pregnancy arrived. While they were both thrilled, they missed being able to experience the pregnancy together; indeed, her due date was calculated to be two weeks before her husband was supposed to return from overseas. While there was a chance that his captain would allow him to leave the ship early, they would not know until the last minute, making planning difficult, to say nothing of their anxiety about whether or not they would have to be apart at the birth as well. These experiences require additional planning: finding someone else to administer shots, or to be available if the womans labor begins when her partner is absent. Sometimes, even the conception occurs in absentia, as it did for the woman who underwent six IUIs with frozen sperm while her husband was at sea. It can be startling, at such times, to realize that with current technology, many times babies can be conceived, gestated and born without both parents present. Nevertheless, as remarkable as that is, forced time apart during such momentous events represents further loss for the couple: the loss of control they have over their lives, and the sense of togetherness they had always imagined they would have when their turn finally came. Yet again, the couple must grieve the loss of the dreamed of reproductive story. Couples must carefully consider how they will feel under such circumstances. For some, the imperative to press forward with treatment will trump any emotional loneliness that lies ahead. For others, it may be wise to postpone treatment for a while until the military member can be home for a more extended period. In civilian jobs where extensive travel is required, couples may need to be more open with their bosses about what is going on than they ordinarily would, so that travel can, if possible, be adjusted accordingly. As with all of the challenges created by reproductive trauma, it is essential to identify your concerns and recognize how the loss of control makes you feel. Couples need to accept the communication difficulties, so that disruptions or misunderstandings are not taken personally. Creative alternatives can be found: some couples, for example, make email appointments specifically to discuss reproductive issues, so that the topic does not either permeate every exchange or have to be avoided completely. However you work it out, it is important to grieve the losses of these aspects of your story just as you have had to relinquish so many other pieces of it; in the end, the shared goal of parenthood can carry you through the times spent apart. Indeed, it is a testament to the will to become parents that even with distance and deployment babies born under such conditions are just as loved and cherished by two parents as when the couple is together throughout. Couples can indeed grow closer through these difficult circumstances, just as they would if always together. * Back
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