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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 09/30/2009
Disenfranchised Grief and Reproductive Loss
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Reproductive loss, whether due to infertility, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or other neonatal demise is enormously painful and can leave the bereaved feeling isolated and alienated from their normal channels of support. Family and friends may not understand or they may be going through their own grief reaction; unfortunately, they may not know how to help. All too often individuals or couples going through this kind of loss feel as if they must comfort and counsel those close to them instead of the other way around.
Reproductive loss is a kind of <i>disenfranchised grief</i>*. Disenfranchised grief can be defined as any grief reaction that is not publicly recognized or acknowledged, and therefore minimized by society at large. If a relationship does not meet the unwritten rules of a sanctioned loss, then the survivors may feel deprived or even ashamed of their grief.
There are many relationships that fall into this category, such as the loss of a former spouse, the loss of a homosexual partner, or the loss a birth parent experiences when relinquishing a child for adoption. Parents who experience infertility and/or other perinatal losses are prime targets for disenfranchised grief. There are no rules for the way these losses should be mourned, often no recognition that they even are losses, and no models to follow for the bereaved or for their close relations. The well-meaning things people say You can have another or Its for the best or Just relax completely miss the mark, leaving the bereaved feeling alone with their loss and completely misunderstood. At times, couples literally are alone with their feelings, as the only people who may be aware that a significant loss has occurred may be the couple themselves and perhaps their doctor. As one patient remarked, If I told my boss that I needed to attend my aunts funeral, the time would readily be granted. But if I told him that I was grieving because I got my period again this month, he would think I was nuts.
Because this kind of grief is not well understood, people may feel as if they should be able to get over it quickly. They may put pressure on themselves to feel better, get back to normal, and minimize their own experience. Its important to let oneself heal and this can take time. It can be helpful to create a ritual of some kind to honor the loss, whether it is by planting a tree, sending off a balloon, or even, as one couple did, going out for dinner together each time an unwanted period occurred. Its also important to know that there is no set time frame for grief. Although the feelings will become less intense over time, healing does not mean that the event is forgotten. Reproductive trauma and loss changes a person, and not just for the worse. People who have experienced this kind of loss often become more sensitive, especially to others who are undergoing similar events, and may even extend themselves in the future to help others.
As the holidays approach, one may feel even more disenfranchised in their grieving. Stay tuned for next months article for more discussion on how to manage the stressors of the holidays.
* Doka, K.J. (1989). Disenfranchised grief. In K.J. Doka (Ed.), <i>Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing hidden sorrow</i>. New York: Lexington Books/Free Press, 3-11.
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