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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 04/07/2010
Sharing Gamete Donation Family Building Stories with Our Kids— The Early Years
By Carole LieberWilkins
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After years of infertility, it is nearly impossible to really believe that someday you might actually be parents. The hope and perseverance were there to keep you trying, but very few couples actually think about their future baby as growing into a toddler, grammar school child, adolescent, and adult. Couples are so traumatized by the losses associated with their infertility, that they often guard themselves from the prospect of yet another loss. Couples rarely let themselves believe that they can finally have a baby. It is too frightening to imagine their childs birthdays, the beginning of kindergarten, puberty, and adulthood.
Babies grow up. They become sentient, curious beings who will reach adolescence and struggle with the normal developmental task of figuring out who they are. Who we are is the mysterious combination of chromosomes handed down through hundreds of generations combined with the influence of the families in which we grow. In order to figure out who we are, we need as much information as possible about all the pieces that went into making us who we will become.
It is widely agreed that family building conversations are best begun at a very early age. This is the time to tell the story of how you became a family. Remember that these conversations are not about a childs understanding of the biology of conception or the details of IVF. Sharing is not dependent on a childs intellectual development. We always try to give age appropriate information; children will take in what they can, process it, and throw away what they dont understand until a later time when old information is synthesized with the new.
Children are naturally curious about everything. A child of average intellect will want to ask questions about anything that comes into her head. The degree to which those questions will be raised will, in part, depend on the atmosphere created by parents to encourage childrens inquiries. Most parents think their children are very smart when they ask questions about where the sun goes when its night or why a tree is called a tree; to a child, there is no difference between these questions and questions about their birth story, or why they do not look like their daddy or sister. As parents feelings about infertility and reproductive technology come into play, children can often sense whether his parents are comfortable with conversations about family building, so it is very important that infertility patients grieve their losses and resolve their infertility as much as possible so their issues do not impede the process of sharing gamete donation stories with their children.
As you anticipate starting your chats with your kids about how you built your family, here are a few key points to help you get started.
The main ideas to communicate to your child are:
Mommy (or and daddy) wanted a baby and were not able to make one
There was a part of mommys (or daddys) body that didnt work so
We asked for help
We found many caring people who gave us a lot of help
We found a helpful lady (or man) who gave mommy (or daddy) the part he/she needed
We used doctors to help us
And finally we were able to have the special baby that made mom and dad very happy.
Tell this story as a bedtime story. Read the childrens books about donor eggs and sperm in the same way you read to your child all their favorite books. Hold them and tell the story with all the love you feel for them.
These conversations can and will be some of the most gratifying moments you will ever have with your kids. The stories of how you all came together are the love stories that bind you to each other. When we honor the people who helped our children be ours, we honor our children for who they are. In the process, our children will trust us to be there for them during all their times of wondering and to always tell them the truth.
<i>Carole LieberWilkins is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in West Los Angeles, providing individual, couples and group counseling. A specialist in the field of reproductive medicine, adoption and family building options since 1986, she became a founding member of Resolve of Greater Los Angeles in 1987 and served on the Board of Directors in various positions for the next 14 years.
Ms. LieberWilkins is well known for her work regarding disclosure of information to children, having helped hundreds of patients feel comfortable talking with their kids about how they built their families. Many clinics and practitioners around the world distribute to patients her groundbreaking article, Talking With Children About Their Conception. She can be contacted at (310) 470-9049
Email: [email protected]
www.lafamilybuilding.com
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