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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 05/01/2010
Mother's Day: "Dos and Don'ts" to Help You Cope
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Mothers Day is right around the corner followed closely by that special day for dads. If you are struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss, these holidays can be extraordinarily painful. They are markers of what is missing, symbolic indicators of your reproductive trauma and the accompanying sense of failure. You may feel cut off from family and friends, and feel sorely out of place. These feelings are normal and to be expected given the enormous losses you have endured; you may feel as if you will never be able to achieve your goal of having a family. It is no wonder that these holidays fill you with dread.
Self-care is always essential but especially so right now. Having compassion for yourself and your partner is of utmost importance. Here are some simple dos and donts that will help you cope during this stressful time:
DONT go to places that are overly kid-friendly. This is not the time to plan a trip to an amusement park or any other place that may immerse you in family pastimes.
DO plan an activity that you and your partner really enjoy: go for a hike, see a matinee, visit a museum.
DONT visit family or friends if it causes undue stress.
DO give yourself permission to decline social gatherings.
DO surround yourself with others who get it. If you are part of a support group, you might decide to get together to share the day.
DONT pretend that you are okay when you are not.
DO allow yourself to acknowledge how unfair things are. This is definitely not the way you had hoped things would be.
DONT keep your feelings to yourself. If feelings stay internalized they can fester and cause other problems, both physical and psychological.
DO talk to your partner or other loved one about how you are feeling. Talking really does help to relieve stress and garner support.
DO journal your feelings. This too is a great and effective way to release tension.
DONT let yourself feel underappreciated.
DO recognize that you are more than your reproductive organs.
DO take time to let your partner know how much you value him or her.
DONT feel obligated to bestow good wishes on all the parents you know.
DO acknowledge the wonderful parents you and your partner will be someday. You may even want to give your partner a special gift in recognition of the struggle you are going through.
Finally,
DONT lose hope.
DO allow yourself to think of alternate ways in which you can reach your goal. Remember that your reproductive story is not over and although it is not going as you had hoped, it will have an ending that is right for you.
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