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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 01/10/2011
How Can I Stop Being Green (with Envy), Red (with Rage), and Feeling Altogether Blue?

No doubt the feelings described in the title of this article are painful; unfortunately, they are the norm for people struggling with infertility and/or pregnancy loss. Its awful to feel envious of friends or family members who are pregnant or have young children. You might ask yourself: what kind of person am I who could be so jealous of others? Of course you are happy for them but lets face it wouldnt it be nice if it were you for once? And yes, you are angry: with yourself for having these negative feelings, with your friends/family for having their dreams come true, and with any and all who give you unsolicited advice. You may also be angry about interactions with the medical system, and/or about having to pay for something that others can do for no money at all. All of which not unexpectedly can leave you feeling terribly lonely, anxious, and depressed. There seems to be a fine balance between fighting against these negative feelings putting on a good face and carrying yourself with a stiff upper lip and feeling overwhelmed by them. You may find yourself fluctuating between both ends of the spectrum during a day, an hour, a minute. This may make you feel as if you are going crazy and adds to the distress you are already feeling. If you gain nothing else from reading this article, know that feeling like an emotional yo-yo during a reproductive trauma is NORMAL! It is to be expected that your emotions will be intense, and it is to be expected that you will be feeling many things all at the same time. What you are experiencing is an intense grief, often unrecognized or misunderstood by others. People often try to minimize the grief associated with infertility and/or pregnancy loss, in part because it is so painful not only for you but for them as well. People close to you may want to comfort you and try to take away the pain by saying things like: youre young, you can have another, or it was for the best. Although these words come with good intentions, they can seem as if they are trivializing your feelings maybe even causing you to question if you should be feeling as awful as you do. It is important to know that what you are feeling the multitude of these intense emotions is valid. Finding a time and a place with people you can trust to vent and validate your experience is a huge part of the healing process. We recommend that you talk with your partner, friends and/or family as feels appropriate, or you may decide to join a support group or seek counseling. It can be especially helpful to talk with others who have experienced a similar trauma and loss. Although talking with others may not completely eliminate feeling green, red and blue, it may help the colors to fade ever so slightly, easing the intensity of the pain. In the coming months we will offer specific advice on how to handle uncomfortable and difficult social interactions. Indeed, if there are questions or issues you would like us to address, please feel free to contact us by email: <a href="[email protected]">[email protected]</a> or on Facebook: Center for Reproductive Psychology San Diego. You can also sign up for our free e-newsletter (on our home page). * Back
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