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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 07/04/2011
How Do We Choose A Donor?

Donor technology provides a wonderful option for couples who are unable to conceive with their own eggs or sperm, or for single women who want to have a family. And while the technology offers an incredible opportunity, it comes with challenges. If you are at this juncture of your reproductive story, it is important for you to address the normal grief involved in losing your biological connection to a child. The grief process, difficult in itself, is often intensified by the challenge of picking a donor. You may find that no donor seems good enough, not necessarily because of their characteristics, but because you are dealing with a complicated and intensely personal loss. Sorting through and understanding these feelings takes time; its normal to feel ambivalent and confused. After all, you are making an enormous decision that will affect not only your life, but your childs as well. Given that you may be struggling with what may feel like second best, how <i>do</i> you choose a donor? What are the criteria for selecting someone? Should it be based on the donors looks? Health? Education? Personality? Each person will have his/her own list of what makes for the perfect match. Often people look for a donor who resembles them at least somewhat and whose education or cultural background is similar to their own. But choosing a donor is not an exact science: one man opted for a sperm donor who had some of his physical characteristics (tall, brown hair), but the deal was sealed because they had similar tastes in music. Sometimes a donor is chosen because they dont share similar attributes. For example, it was critical for one woman, based on her family history of alcoholism, to choose an egg donor who had no history of substance abuse. Some people feel more at ease if they can choose a donor they know either a family member or a friend. With a relative, there is the added attraction of sharing some genetic tie with the baby. You may feel more comfortable and have trust that a donor you know will follow the medical protocol and take care of him/herself. A known donor may feel very attached to the resulting child, which may prove to be a wonderful connection for the child and donor alike. On the other hand, there may be an increased risk of over-involvement of the donor in the experience of pregnancy and childrearing. What you dont want is conflict down the road and a worry of whose child is this? With an anonymous donor, there is a more clearly designated boundary between the donor and the recipient. All parenting decisions belong to the recipients without question, and there is no risk of tarnishing a previously warm or close relationship with a friend or family member. The issue of total donor anonymity, however, can cause problems as well. What if there is a medical and/or psychological reason to get in touch with the donor? Many contracts between donor and recipient are now being written to address this very issue, with donors agreeing to be contacted for medical problems that may arise or when the child becomes of age. Many children born of donor gametes want to know more about the donor, their genetic history, and possible half-siblings. Many recipients express anxiety about this: does this mean the child will seek out someone else to parent them? Not at all they are simply curious about their connection with this other human being. Children have a need and a right to know about their own birth story. Because of the trauma of infertility, and the multiple losses you have experienced, it is natural to want some assurance that everything will turn out okay. Wouldnt it be fantastic to have a crystal ball to see into the future and know what this child will be like? It is important to remember that even with children born with ones own gametes there are no guarantees. Just as none of us is flawless, no baby will be perfect, and likewise there is no one ideal donor. Because of all the emotions involved in utilizing donor technology, we strongly recommend that both donor and recipient seek out psychological consultation to ensure that everyone understands the ramifications of this option of family building. This allows all parties to address their concerns and work through whatever anxieties may arise. * Back
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