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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 08/08/2011
We Have Decided to Adopt. Now What?
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Your infertility journey has been grueling. You have traveled long and far. You know more about the road than you ever imagined. You are exhausted, grief-stricken and in debt. And still you have not become a parent. You have decided you are done with pursuing more treatment and realize it is time to reconsider your options.
Adoption of an infant or child is one important option, and one that you may never have considered before you experienced all that infertility has presented. You may have many questions and worries about it, you and your partner may not feel the same way about it, you may be out of money and energy, you may fear another failure, you may feel heartsick. All of these are natural reactions when you have experienced the trauma of infertility. And they represent issues that must be addressed, losses that must be grieved, in order to clear the path for the next leg of your journey.
So before proceeding with adoption, it is essential that you give yourself time to rest, to recuperate from your trauma. Not years, not even necessarily months, but some period of time during which you and your partner can catch your breath and clear your mind so that you can think clearly and be emotionally connected to yourself and each other. During this time, you need to grieve the loss of your ability to have a baby, grieve your reproductive story. As with every chapter of your story, as with every decision point you have reached, you must grieve what you have had to give up, to allow yourself to be open to becoming a parent through adoption. It can be very helpful to meet with a therapist during this time, if you have not already done so.
Next, with a clearer mind, you can address your concerns about adopting. Perhaps the most important worry that people have is whether or not they will be able to love a baby that is not biologically connected to them. The answer is yes, absolutely. The power of attachment is astounding and adoptive parents often report the same passionate love for their new baby as biological parents. As with any child, this process takes time, and is like a dance between the parent and child as each learns to love the other.
Not only do couples worry about whether they will love an adopted child, they also worry about the adoption failing for whatever reason. Will the birth parents change their mind? Will the country of origin suddenly shut their doors? After so much loss dealing with infertility, it is normal to feel as if another loss is just around the corner. And while there is a risk when you try to adopt, it is important to bear in mind that any time an individual or couple tries to have a baby, there is a chance that things will go wrong. It helps to remember that the anxiety about another loss is not entirely rational, and that the odds are in your favor that you will be able to bring a baby home.
Another concern for couples arises when they disagree on how to proceed. It is crucial that you each understand your partners reproductive story, as it undoubtedly influences how each of you feels about adoption. When you can empathize with the others point of view, it breaks the power struggle; you can feel compassion for each other rather than feeling that the other is trying to thwart your wishes. At that point, you need to sit down and negotiate a compromise that meets both of your needs, just as you do with any decision in life on which you disagree.
Couples must also contend with the additional costs of adoption, which follow on the heels of the enormous expenses of infertility treatment. Again, this is something that is easier to deal with if you have had time to recuperate somewhat from your infertility trauma, to get some distance from it, and even to replenish your bank accounts. But as with all decisions, the financial aspect of adoption needs to be seen as an investment in your future; while there are risks involved, those must be weighed against the benefits of creating the family you have always wanted.
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