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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 10/03/2011
CHILDREN OF DONORS AND/OR SURROGATES: WHY SHOULD WE TELL THEM, WHAT SHOULD WE TELL THEM, AND HOW?
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After years of struggling to build a family it is natural to want life to return to some semblance of normal again. You have finally reached your goal of becoming a parent: is it really necessary that anyone know the story of how you actually got there? How important is it for your child to know that they came from someone elses egg or sperm, or were carried in someone elses womb?
Research suggests that some parents choose not to tell, or decide to tell when they feel their child will understand, because they want to respect their childs privacy and to have their family fit in to the typical mold. Understandably, these parents want the best for their child. But so, too, do the parents who decide from birth to inform their child of his or her birth story. These parents also want whats best, but approach it from a completely different point of view. Is there a right or wrong answer? What is in the best interest of the parents, the child, the family?
A great deal of what we know about the psychological ramifications of using third party reproduction has been gleaned from the vast amount of research on adoption. It wasnt too long ago that adoptions were closed that is, it was thought to be best for the child not to know anything about their birth parents. After so many losses associated with infertility and the adoption process, parents feared that if their adopted child knew the identity of their birth parents, they would seek them out and love them more. Times have changed: todays adoptions are open, meaning that not only do these children know who their birth parents are, but sometimes even have an ongoing relationship with them. While some may worry that this could be confusing for children, the opposite is true: children who not only know that they are adopted, but also know about their biological roots, are not uncertain about their identity, and dont develop in the shadow of secrecy. For this and other reasons, which we discuss below, it is vital that children know how they got here.
People are often so traumatized by the losses associated with infertility, and the need to use a donor or surrogate, that they may be fearful of yet another loss. Children can often sense when their parents are uncomfortable, so it is very important to grieve ones losses and resolve feelings about infertility as much as possible. It is important to process ones own feelings so as not to burden ones child with this grief.
Some parents are hesitant to address use of a donor or surrogate for fear that they will not feel connected with their offspring, or that their children will not think of them as their real parents. But fear not: research indicates that children born from donor gametes and/or surrogacy do not have any worse attachment issues than any one else. In fact some research suggests there is better parent-child relationship in these situations because parents do not take their long-sought-after child for granted.
Why else is it important not to keep these birth stories secret? The number of people using donor technology has exponentially grown. In the news of late are stories of a single sperm donor who has made possible the births of over 100 children! While this may not be the norm, it is very common for sperm donors to father several half-siblings. Likewise, although the retrieval of eggs from a woman is more complicated, and it is recommended that a single woman do no more than 6 retrievals, there are many repeat egg donors. What may seem like science fiction half-siblings falling in love and having children together is not. Indeed, the need to know about ones lineage and possible genetically related diseases could prove vital for a childs health. A registry now exists for donors, parents, and siblings to find each other if necessary: check out https://www.donorsiblingregistry.com/ for more information.
When is the right time to tell a child? We have learned, again through research on adoption, that it is best to begin these talks at a very early age. Talking about that nice lady (or man) who helped us have you can be woven into the childs own story without any issue as to whether it is normal or not. This is the new normal for your family; this is just the way it is. You can tell your childs story just as you would any bedtime story. In fact, there are several childrens picture books about donor eggs and sperm as well as surrogacy; you can read them to your child in the same way you might read any of their favorite books.
Dont be surprised if you have to tell the story over and over again. Children love to hear about how they came to be. And dont worry that you are telling them too much. Children will take in what they can; what they dont understand will simply go in one ear and out the other and will not harm them. They will process the information as they are ready. Undoubtedly they will have many questions that change as they develop and understand the world in a different way. Being there with love, not allowing their questions to make you feel too anxious or upset, and answering them as they arise, is tantamount to good parenting.
As children grow, they become curious about who they are and where they came from. This is true for all children, not just those who were born using third party reproduction. Every child wants to know about their birth story and their past. And every child, every one of us, is a combination of our genes and our family and community environment. It helps to have as much information as possible in order to best understand who we are.
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