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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 04/01/2012
Coping With Miscarriage: Things You Don't Want to Hear

<i>It was meant to be...You're lucky it was early...Just get pregnant again...I wish you'd take my kidsthey're driving me crazy.</i> These are all things people say when they hear that you have had a miscarriage. Oftentimes people are well-intentioned, but misguided, not realizing that these are absolutely the last sorts of things you want to hear when you have suffered the traumatic loss of your pregnancy. Because miscarriage is a medically common event --12-24% of pregnancies end in miscarriage-- people, even doctors, don't realize that <i>your baby has died.</i> It is <i>not </i>just a fetus, or uterine contents; you are <i>not </i>lucky, and it was <i>not </i>meant to be. This was your baby, a baby that you have been thinking about and planning for, not just currently with your partner but perhaps for your whole life. Our reproductive stories, those inner, often unconscious narratives about how we want and expect parenthood to unfold, rarely includes miscarriage, any more than it includes infertility or premature births or any other adverse reproductive event that we call <i>reproductive trauma.</i> When you have miscarried, you may be aware of your sadness but may also be surprised at the wide range and intensity of emotions that you feel. Some of these feelings are part of normal grieving: shock and denial, anger, a wish to undo the loss through bargaining (if only I had done such and such), and the depression-like aspects of sadness, crying, loss of energy or irritability that attend acute grief. But there are other emotions as well other losses that accompany miscarriage. You may also feel out of control, feel bitterness at how unfair it is, feel punished, even feel assaulted by the invasive medical procedures you may go through. You lose your sense of belonging to the club of peers and family members who seem to have babies easily. You may fear that you'll never be able to feel grown up. And, perhaps most painfully, you may feel invalidated and misunderstood, as if there is something wrong with <i>you</i> that the pregnancy ended. Unlike the loss of a loved one with whom you have had a lifetime of experiences and memories, when you lose a pregnancy you lose the future rather than the past. There is no storehouse of memories to help you grieve, and maintain a relationship with your baby, and any memories you do have may be associated with the pain, fear, and medical trauma that you experienced. Miscarriage is also often an invisible loss-you may nor have even told anyone yet about the pregnancy. Without any of the socially sanctioned rituals (such as funerals, memorials, gravesites, etc.) you may feel as if you are suffering secretly and alone. Further you and your partner are both grief stricken and traumatized but may cope with emotions differently. Indeed very often men and women grieve differently, with men putting their feelings into action and women needing to process theirs through talking, crying etc. If couples don't understand that these differences are normal, they may misinterpret or judge their partner in ways that are hurtful to both and create distance at a time when you most need each other. People may also be at different points in their grief process also potentially leading to misunderstanding and hurt feelings. You may wonder about when to try to conceive again, and others may have all sorts of opinions about this. This is a highly personal decision. Sometimes you may be frightened that you won't conceive again. When you do become pregnant, you may feel extremely anxious, afraid to trust in the pregnancy, and worried about another loss. This is normal. It is important to allow yourself time to work through your loss and prepare for another pregnancy before conceiving again. Sometimes, symptoms of post-traumatic stress, anxiety and depression often follow a pregnancy loss. This may include flashbacks, emotional flooding, numbness, difficulty concentrating, or changes in sleep or eating patterns. These reactions may be intensified if you have had prior losses or trauma, that get reactivated by the miscarriage. If these symptoms interfere with your daily functioning in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you may want to consult with your physician about medication; it is unlikely that you will need this long-term, but it is another tool to help you cope. It is important to know that, as difficult as it is to cope with the loss of a pregnancy, it is possible to grieve, work it through and continue building your future. Here are a few things that can help: &#61681; Remember that whatever you are thinking or feeling about your loss, however you grieve, is normal and expectable given the magnitude of what this baby meant to you. &#61681; Create a ritual of some kind to honor your baby. This may be having a funeral or memorial, writing a letter to your baby, lighting a candle, sending a balloon into the sky or building a memory box for mementos from the hospital. &#61681; Be aware that it is normal to feel a resurgence of grief at anniversaries of aspects of your experience: your original due date, the anniversary of your loss, or holidays or activities that you had expected to share with your child. Allow yourself to feel these emotions, and know that they will pass. &#61681; Get support. Often it is very helpful to attend support groups available to people who have suffered a pregnancy loss. Sometimes hospice organizations provide such groups, or you can search online for them. It can be very validating and help you feel less alone if you talk with other people who have been through the same experience and truly understand how you feel. &#61681; Talk with a therapist. Grieving a miscarriage is difficult and lonely work. It involves multiple layers of loss that you are trying to cope with at the same time that you are traumatized. Having a professional who understands the depth and breadth of your experience, and who can help you understand why you feel so badly can be very helpful. &#61681; Be kind to yourself and your partner. You are both grieving, you are both traumatized, and even if you handle it differently, remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and no timetable for grief. &#61681; As for all those things that people may say, it can be helpful to come up with some responses to keep in your back pocket so that you are not taken off guard when it occurs. Try not to take it personallymost people are well-intentioned, but misguided when they try to help. If you do not feel like explaining to the person why such comments are not helpful, a simple Thank you for your concern may be all that is needed to redirect the conversation. * Back
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