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Will I Ever Become a Mother?
Growing up I never thought much about whether or not I wanted children. I never played with dolls much or played house. I remember my sister and my cousin had names picked out for their future kids and were constantly playing house and with their dolls. When I graduated high school
all I could think about was going to college and having a career,
children were the farthest thing from my mind. When I was 29 years old and starting in my career, I met the man who would become my husband. This is when I seriously began to think about children.
We were married shortly after my 33rd birthday and decided to start a family right away. After only two months of trying, we were pregnant. Two weeks after finding out we were pregnant we learned the pregnancy was ectopic and we lost the baby. After we lost our baby, we waited a few months and started trying to have another baby. Within a few months, we were pregnant again. We were so excited and even more excited when we learned the pregnancy was not ectopic. I never dreamed I would lose this baby too but at eight weeks I suffered a miscarriage. I was crushed. After losing two babies in less than a year, we decided to wait awhile to recover
both emotionally and physically. When we were ready to try again, within a few months we were pregnant again, only to learn this baby was ectopic too.
In three years, I had lost three babies. I was also now almost 36 years old and could feel the biological clock ringing in my ears. After losing the third baby, we decided not to wait to try again. We immediately began trying to having a baby once the doctor gave us the medical approval. That was August 2004. It is now October 2006 and we have not been able to conceive. We have had every test run and so many different procedures. In August 2006 they removed several fibroid tumors and repaired scar tissue and now we are waiting to see if I can
successfully conceive. I am now 38 years old and wonder if I will ever become a mother. I have watched so many co-workers get pregnant (without really trying) and go on to deliver healthy babies nine months later. With each passing month that I do not get pregnant I become more angry,
more depressed and more frustrated. I wonder why me?
This past summer was the most difficult not just because two co-workers are pregnant but my 20th high school reunion took place. I did not attend but got the information, I was the only who had not had children. Also when we graduated high school, we all filled out these "where would I be in 20
years" and there staring me in the face was what I wrote 20 years ago, in 20 years I saw myself married, with a successful career and with two children. I realized that even though I was not like my sister and cousin constantly playing house, I realized I had always wanted children too. Now faced with the biological clock, two years of infertility, and three pregnancy losses, I wonder if I will ever have a family.
— Shari H
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